Editor’s note: In “Ask Tung,” Commander Eric Tung shares practical insights on fitness, wellness and leadership to help officers succeed on and off duty. Have a question? Contact Tung on Instagram @bluegritwellness or [email protected].
“My supervisor seems to have it out for me, and I’m not sure how to handle it without making things worse. What should I do?”
Ask a room full of cops, “Who’s had a bad boss?” and you’ll get more participation than you ever imagined. Hands shoot up. Stories start flying. The one-upping begins with anecdotes of failed leadership.
When a boss seems unfair, overly critical or inconsistent, it can drain morale and shake your confidence in yourself, the team and the job. However, how you respond to difficult leadership defines your own growth. You may not control how they lead, but you control how you show up.
The good news is you are not alone. The bad news is it’s a prevalent problem. The other good news is that every problem presents an opportunity. Most great leaders become devoted students of leadership because they’ve experienced its absence. People rarely study leadership because everything is going perfectly.
Every supervisor and every subordinate is unique. Context, environment, culture and perspective all vary. By analyzing the dynamics, we can identify themes, questions and strategies to improve the situation and sharpen your professional edge.
Here are key themes to consider as you assess your next steps.
Check yourself
When you feel targeted, your first instinct may be defensive — that’s human. But before concluding your supervisor “has it out for you,” pause and ask:
- Is this personal? Is there a pattern of unfair treatment toward me? Am I being judged differently than others for the same behavior? Is there bias at play — theirs or mine? Am I assuming bad intent?
- Is it true? Bias matters. We tend to accept feedback from people we respect and trust. If the relationship is strained, remove the speaker from the message. “Try it on.” How would you receive the same feedback from a leader you admire? If it would carry weight from them, it may have validity here.
- What can I learn from this? Whether the feedback is accurate or not, you’ve received information. At minimum, you’ve learned that you are not being perceived as effective, prepared or at your best. Perception often becomes reality. That alone is worth addressing in your work product, communication or follow-through.
Gritty tip: Stay curious. Ask yourself hard questions, identify bias and build a strategy to improve your position.
Control the controllables
You can’t change your supervisor’s personality or leadership style, but you can change your approach. There’s a difference between what we control and what we influence.
You control:
- Your attitude, professionalism and demeanor.
- The energy and focus you bring to your work.
- Your discipline and follow-through.
- Your communication, tone and timing.
When a difficult supervisor frustrates you, the temptation is to disengage or push back. But professionalism under pressure is power. A stoic mindset helps you move from emotion to action. Let the irritation roll off your back and refocus on productivity and purpose.
People notice steady professionals. They remember who stayed squared away when things weren’t easy.
Gritty tip: Keep calm and carry on. Focus on resilience, growth and the long game.
Seek clarity
It takes courage and tact to engage directly. Once you’ve processed your emotions, request time to talk. Keep it brief, focused and neutral:
- “I want to make sure I’m meeting your expectations. Is there anything specific you’d like me to improve or do differently?”
- “Can you help me understand the reasoning behind that decision?”
- “May I ask a few questions so I can better understand?”
Be mindful of tone, body language and word choice. Just as you may feel defensive, your supervisor may default to defensiveness as well.
Gritty tip: Ask to connect. Shift from confrontation to collaboration. Even if the feedback is vague or critical, you’ve demonstrated initiative and professionalism.
If the environment is truly toxic or unsafe, document interactions factually and elevate concerns through proper channels. Consider involving a union representative, mediator or another supervisor if necessary.
Learn what not to do
Every bad boss becomes a chapter in your leadership playbook. You’re getting a front-row seat to what not to replicate. Observe how certain behaviors impact morale, trust and motivation, and commit to doing better when it’s your turn.
Even good supervisors miss the mark in delivery or context. Those missteps are valuable lessons.
One of my biggest frustrations was being told there was an issue, being told not to respond and then being told simply not to do it again. That experience shaped my commitment to ask questions, listen actively and avoid one-way feedback. I’ve still missed the mark at times — and that reminder keeps refining my approach.
Gritty tip: Don’t forget how it felt. Build the opposite practices into your leadership philosophy.
Build your circle and your center
You rarely pick your bosses, but you can pick your circle. Seek mentors. Align with peers who sharpen you. Invest in those you can coach and develop.
Revisit your purpose and personal mission. Strengthening your “why” reinforces resilience when leadership gets hard.
Gritty tip: If you can’t pick your boss, pick your leader. Find examples worth following and pay it forward.
Lead yourself first
There’s plenty written about “leading up,” but none of it matters if you can’t lead yourself. Ownership and self-accountability come first. Take inventory of your controllables. Project an attitude and work ethic others want to be around.
Leading yourself well influences your career, your personal life and the culture around you.
Gritty tip: Run your life. If it’s not squared away, keep working at it. Small wins compound over time. Work, wellness and life overlap — start somewhere and stay consistent.
Closing
Difficult supervisors exist in every profession. In policing, where stakes and scrutiny are high, their impact can feel amplified. But no boss is permanent, and no supervisor should control the trajectory of your career.
Your ability to recover, adapt and strengthen your mindset applies to everything — from a tense call for service to a tough critique. Negative interactions can become training reps for resilience and leadership.
As frustrating as some supervisors can be, working for one can become the proving ground that forges the steady, disciplined and effective leaders this profession needs.
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